


She Moves On

by Hawthorne_Pisces_Witch



Category: Star Wars Original Trilogy, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Bipolar Leia, F/M, instead we have this, oh and no im not sorry for stealing the title, so I'm doing my best with it, they could have been a happy family but no, time to talk about trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-13 05:04:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16886148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hawthorne_Pisces_Witch/pseuds/Hawthorne_Pisces_Witch
Summary: Why don't you love me for who I am, where I am?Cuz that's not the way the world works babyThis is how I love  you baby...





	She Moves On

All children leave home. That's what Han tells himself as his son grins and waves, his dark mop of hair flopping forward as he runs after Luke. He's already so tall, but he's lanky in a way Han never was. Lanky like his mother would be if she were tall. 

He had come back to hug them twice, and Luke swore to them they would both be on Hosnian Prime for the holidays. But Han couldn't help but feel like this was the end of their family. Leia felt it too. They had never been good when they were alone together. 

Most children don't leave home at 11.

******* 

They made it 4 years, before the long silences and little selfishnesses added up, became too much to bear. There was no procedure; no war to prioritize, no child to raise. Their desperate need for something more than each other bagan to eat away at Leia first, and then Han. 

“Let's travel through the night,” Leia said, “We could go to Yavin 3.” Their bedroom was dark, it was late, but neither of them could sleep over the silence. 

“Yavin 3? We've never been. Is this a Senate thing?” 

“No, I just wanted to go somewhere new.” With you. 

Han turned toward her, a hopeful smile already touching his face. “Wouldn't that be too spontaneous for a senator?” 

Leia huffed, “I used to be pretty spontaneous.” 

Han chuckled, “I remember.” He peppered kisses down her neck, slid a hand over the curve of her hip. 

Sometimes she wishes he wouldn't. She's older now, and softer. She's not even 40 yet but she's seen the change in her own body and in the way people talk about her. She used to hate being called cute. Now she knows other words that are much worse; other words often mean ‘you're not a half-child revolutionary fantasy anymore, and we still want you to be.’ 

When she catches herself brooding and turns her attention back to Han he's already retreating, a lost sort of look in his eyes. Leia tries not to be grateful that he pulled away, but she is and this hurts her. She wants to say something, explain her hesitation, maybe even apologize, but she can think of nothing she hasn't said before.

So she curls into his side like she used to, gently touches his face. Their eyes meet again, and he looks nervous and so young. Ben inherited this expression; seeing it on one of them always makes her heart swell for both of them. 

“Still like what you see?” He's still nervous to ask. 

“Always,” Leia promises, and its true. Somehow he is as compelling to her as he always was. And still, somehow, as much of a mystery. She kisses him, because he needs it, and to shut her whirling mind up for a second. 

“You really want to go tonight?” 

“Well, we're not sleeping.”

****** 

They take the Falcon, for old times sake, even though it's too big and too recognizable. While they jump to hyperspace they plan the trip. Yavin 3 is known for its jungle mountain ranges and clean coasts.

They'll start in a small village at one end of a mountain range who's name is difficult to translate to Galactic Basic. Leia thinks one of the words might be “blood” or maybe “God.” They'll take the hardest pass, of course, stopping occasionally at inns along the way. When they reach the other side they will find a once-popular tourist resort; a small undisturbed example of Pre-Empire style. And a long stretch of quiet coast. 

When they arrive, Han goes to check in, because even though everyone knows his face it's not so weird for him to show up in odd places at 2 in the morning. Leia tries to not to fall asleep waiting for him, but the air is warm and damp and smells like sweet grass and cool palm leaves. 

It's a losing battle, and when Han gets back to the ship to collect their bags he finds her curled in on herself in the co-pilots seat. Something about her face in the half-light reminds him of Ben when he was a toddler, still soft-cheeked and calm.

He used to insist on staying in the cockpit with them to see the landing. But it's much easier to land a ship with a sleeping child than an awake one, so they're used to traveling at night, when Ben would fall asleep on the cracked leather seats before they even approached the atmosphere. 

How many times had Han picked him up, settled the boy on one hip and holstered his blaster on the other, praying they had arrived somewhere safe, much less pleasant for a child? He goes to pick up his sleeping wife but she begins to stir in his arms. “Shh, let me just…” 

He has no end to his sentence. Help you? She's never needed his help. But sometimes she takes it, settling back into his embrace as he carries her across the threshold of the bungalow they've rented for 2 days. 

2 days to collect supplies and plan their path, then a 10 day journey through the mountains, and hopefully she'll be restful enough to stay at the beach for a while. 

Han can already feel his anxieties slip off him. Living in the capitol has never agreed with him, and he's already more sure of himself here, in the open air of the mountains. He falls asleep next to Leia, their chorus of nightmares silenced by the noises of the jungle around them. 

****** 

They wake late, hike down the foothills to the the small village below, and gather supplies. Maps, canteens, dried food stuffs. In the single tourist shop left over from a bygone era Han purchases a bright red dress in a cut that went out of style ten years ago. But it'll look good on Leia, who's wardrobe of greyish blue, purple, and greens fits Hosnian Prime but not this place.   
She rolls her eyes when she sees it but laughs. “Good, something I can wear on the beach.” 

Han smiles, already glad for this trip. 

****** 

The trip through the mountains is hot and hard and beautiful. Besides the gorgeous scenery, Leia and Han find themselves slipping into old comfortable habits. Both used to physical strain, they delight in familiar aches by day and in soothing touches by night. 

They had so rarely been able to take their time together that Han finds himself surprised by how much he trusts her. In the hazy time between sleep and sex he tells her everything he hasn't told her, remembering as he goes how to speak their language. He remembers how to seduce her too, how to wrap her attention around himself like a blanket. How to make her scream his name off the top of a mountain. 

In the humidity of the jungle Leia thaws, flexing her emotions, getting the feeling of herself again. When Han shuts her out she so often has to turn back to the demands if the senate instead of working him open like she knows he always wants. Now she remembers layer by layer how deeply she loves him. The contradictory aspects of him come together for her again, and after calm days spent in quiet but comfortable cooperation she pours her heart into the man she fell in love with, telling him everything she's kept to herself for 2 years..

As they continued their journey it was if the years fell off their relationship. Leia felt her heart bloom again, had never been more sure of her love for Han. But something seemed to loom in the future, pulling her like a tide to some unknown discomfort.

Han really wanted to not feel it. He didn't believe in fate, refuses to think the Force was ever that obvious. That's why he resisted Ben's training at first. But even given the choice, he had gone with Luke. And no matter how much he loved his beautiful, funny, charming, untamed wife… he equally hated seeing her dull herself for the Senate and the press and the Alderaanian refugees and pretty much the whole galaxy. 

He used to blame her sense of duty but he knew better now. His own paradoxical need for immense love and unquestionable freedom had done just as much to cause whatever was hanging in the hot air between them.

****** 

The resort was like the dress; beautiful, and just out if date enough to make you feel it aging underneath you. It's a shame they got there at noon, Leia thought, it would be convincingly glamourous at night. 

There rooms are large and airy, with a balcony overlooking the beach. Even at noon the shape of Yavin colors the horizon red. They shower together, silently intent on divesting themselves of sweat and dirt, until the cool water seemed to remove a fog from their eyes. 

They saw each other as if for the first time, known but different now. The next thing Leia remembers is being lifted off the ground, braced against the tile wall of the shower. She remembers shivering into Han, how gently he brushed her already hardening nipples, how he looked at her with those questioning eyes, still asking for what he would always be given. 

*****  
The water here is different from the sea of Corellia. It's freezing, lead colored depths terrified the younger street children, and the stormy nature of the planet made the atmosphere even harder to break through. Here the water was a brilliant aquamarine and no waves disrupted the sanguine surface.

“I could not run next cycle,” Leia said coyly, letting the wide sleeves of her red dress drag in the sand to make feather light designs. She wasn't kidding; she had won the war, founded the government, represented the last of her planet as long as they needed her.

“Oh yeah? You'd hate Hosnian Prime if you didn't work there.” 

“We could move somewhere else.” 

“Where could you move that half the remaining Alderaanians wouldn't follow?”

“Right here,” she sighs. The universe shifts almost imperceptibly.

“Right here is pretty nice. I could get used to it. I could retire here when your term is up.” 

Now it was Leia's turn to tease, “Sure you could.Who'd you leave the business to?”

“Oh, Chewie could run things by himself but I don't know he'd want to. Maybe one of the pilots”

Leia laughed, “we could always legally adopt a few of your proteges.” 

“No,” he fixes her with an intense look, “I want you all to myself for once.” 

******   
Leia stands on the deck in the moonlight, her hair loose and long, illuminated in the ruby glow of the gas giant above them. She looks like a goddess to Han, who pauses in the doorway, awestruck. 

She turns when he says her name softly to himself, her eyes wide and and unfocused for a moment before finding him. She had been planning their half-real future, pulling silver threads of love from all across the galaxy, gently weaving them to this planet. She would gather her little, far-flung family here, and hold them all close. Give them all her energy.

The way she smiles then rivals the sun and its all Han can do to kiss her hard before kneeling, pressing his lips against her hip, seeking permission. 

She trails a finger down his cheek, marveling at this person who sees her as she is and loves her for all of it. Most of the universe loves their idea of her, thanks to careful Alliance propaganda, but she had hated being their poster girl. It was unfair when she was 19 and held to such high standards, but she had never imagined that her whole life would be define by that alone.

Here, maybe, she could finally escape the eyes of the world. Here she could live for herself and her family.

Han’s mouth is familiar and firm, And Leia feels a chaotic energy building in the pit of her stomach; a kind of hunger that scares her. The sea roaring in the background and the sharp smell of salt and earth make her head spin, and in the bloody light she tangles her hands in Han’s hair and swears this is all she needs. 

She shouts his name as a far off roll of thunder echoes across the sky.

***** 

Days into a long string of storms they turn on the holovision for something to do, and a news story flashed across the screen. Some of the core worlds were once again fighting to put a cap on the number of refugees they took, arguing that their local governments had the right to decide that without the Senate approving. It's the kind of debate a refugee Princess would have to take on stand on. The Senate was reconvening early.

Han watches Leia battle herself. The limitless energy she achieves in cycles tears her in opposite directions; hedonism or heroism. He has long suspected that giving into herself completely would change her to the core of her being. He knows she is afraid of this, knows her well enough to understand why; this energy is too much to sustain. Being in the public eye limits her highs and her lows.

He watches her pace when she thinks he isn't looking. She wrings her hands, bites her lip, tries to ground her attention to her husband. 

“There are plenty of senators devoted to protecting refugees. I won't leave early.” 

Han says nothing but doesn't look convinced so she straddles his hip, kisses his face softly, “I won't leave you.” 

He watches her the whole time, as if she might sweat the lie out, exercise if from her heart. She believes herself but he sees her future change; a fork appears in the road ahead. They have precious few hours to pretend their future doesn't look like a dead end. 

******

She wonders if she's being punished for thinking of going; she burns with an anger that might tear her apart. She must act on it. She.must not break her promise to Han. She must not take this out on him. She shakes in bed and sweats when he closes the doors for the night.   
She needs to be going somewhere.

“I need to talk some things out,” Leia turns toward the beach. 

It’s late and they are tired. Han follows her, knows what she's going to say. He recognizes the taste in the air; sweet like fear, and bitter like engine fumes. The taste of leaving. 

He knows he won't argue with her, though he wants to. He's been staring at the stars too and she's seen it. As much as she needs to settle somewhere more settled than this he needs to find something more wild than this. Inaction makes him nervous.

He knows he'll never find something more wild than her, but neither of them can accept the compromise.

*****

Her hair is still down and the light is still red, and when she turns to him the ocean leaks out of her wide eyes. She looks so much younger than she is, he thinks, then realizes again that they're not that old. Well, she's not. He takes her in his arms like he did on Endor and hundreds of times after. 

“I'm going to move back to Corellia,” Han surprises himself by speaking first, giving her the easy out. 

Leia is unsurprised but not ungrateful. “You're still trying to clean up the outer rim huh? You'll run yourself ragged.” 

“Well, since you party bureaucrats can't do anything from the capitol…” he lets the sentence dangle because he knows he doesn't have to explain himself to her. She's supported his efforts to ensure the success of a revolutionary effort on his home planet for years, knowing all the while that he would go back when they needed him. Even if he never said it, had only decided for sure as he spoke. 

She laughs through her tears then sighs. “Why is this so hard? It's the only thing that makes sense…” she couldn't continue.

Han rubs her back and watches he red-lit waves roll in. “It's just… us.” 

****

They do what they do best; comfort each other   
through their own misery. Han wonders if this is the closest he will get to the bright center of her heart. Leia wonders the same. The gravity of this collects all things to a point between them; Organa-Solo is a black hole blooming in Han and Leia’s chests. Tomorrow it will stretch across the Galaxy, from Hosnia to Corellia. How many hours more until the sun falls out of the sky and the moon shatters? Will they ever be hung back? 

The dress rips sometime after Leia begs for a mark she'll feel for days to come. They're both delirious with pain already, but she wants to still ache for him in a week. She tells him this, between breathy moans, and can feel Han twitch inside her before switching to a rougher pace. He stops holding back at all when she starts mumble-moaning praises at him, and he focuses on memorizing the sound of her voice every time. 

He tries to hold back the first time he feels her clench around him but she whimpers his name, so softly, like she almost never does. He comes undone inside her biting her collarbone and fucking her through their orgasm. That along with how she finishes him with one word has Leia shivering one last time in his arms. 

They fall asleep quickly, too tired for any more love or pain.

****   
They wake early, the sky over the sea still greyish pink. More clouds roll in. It's the beginning of the rainy season here, they had found out this morning. Han calls for speeders while Leia dresses, going for the simply cut white gown she had packed without consideration. 

She braids her hair in a crown around her head; as much as she doesn't believe in royalty anymore, it's power still gets the attention of the Senate. There's no time for nostalgia now, but Han still acknowledges it with a smirk and a quick kiss. 

She packs the red dress into his bag when he's not looking. He won't unpack for weeks. Maybe he'll call when he does. It hurts even more today, to think she wont know when she'll see him next. 

So while they wait she extends a hand. “We're not getting divorced.” It doesn't come out as kind as she meant it to sound but Han looks at her for a second and then visibly relaxes. 

“Of course not.” 

“You'll still have business on Hosnia often, and the Senate isn't always in session.” 

Han nods, and the smallest smile touches his lips, “I can always turn to you if I want to get in touch with party leadership.” 

Leia returns the smile, “If you want anything pushed up the ladder you better be prepared to at least attend a fundraiser every once in awhile” 

Han lets himself really smile now, and kiss her cheek sweetly. “If you ever hear from Luke or Ben,” he hesitates, feels the sudden tension in her body. “Tell me where and when. I'll be there, Princess, I promise.” 

*******   
When they make it back to the Falcon it's started raining slow, fat drops that warn of a coming storm. The Falcon was safe to fly now but Leia wouldn't have trusted many other ships to get them through the atmosphere. But this ship was one of the places, scattered around the galaxy, that she had considered her home during the hardest years after Alderaan. 

“It won't always be like this,” she says, more to herself than to him, but she looks so determined when she says it that she pulls him out of his own ponderings just a bit. 

He can still feel the ghost of a 19 year old Princess in a similar white dress watching him critically. He still squirms under the gaze of this demanding memory but he worries to her now This might be the last time we're here together. What do you want? 

“Yeah, I might actually retire one day.” 

It's the right thing to say, or at least not the wrong thing because she's still staring out the viewport at the planet receding below them but she replies. “I will when you do.” 

He gives in to the urge to chuckle, just because he has no other response. 

“No really, Han,” she turns toward him and puts her hand on his wrist to get his attention. He looks up from the screen that's calculating the hyper jump. “When you retire drag me away from the senate, even if I'm kicking and screaming,” she grins a little. “I don't want them to idolize me to death.” He pretends that's funny instead of something he really does worry about.

“I'll bring you back here.” And he really means it.   
******

They leave the Falcon on manual for long stretches of the day, taking comfort in the familiarity of flying together. 

“I can't help but think this isn't fair to you. I have Amilyn, and you're alone.” 

The only thing he's losing on Hosnia other than Leia is Amilyn Holdo, who had loved his wife before he had known her and had been one of the only people Leia had been close to before the attack on Alderaan who had trusted him immediately. 

“I'm glad you have her. Tell her I'm sorry I couldn't talk to her before I left.” He sees Leia’s not ready to let him drop the topic, “I have Chewie.” 

She gives him a pointed look, “Not exactly the same.” 

“Maybe I only need you that way.”

She pauses, but feels compelled to continue, “If that ever changes,-” 

“Leia,” he cuts her off again, “I have a trip to Bespin planned, to see if we can use their trading ports.” 

Leia grins, “I didn't know how much you guys kept up anymore. Tell Lando I'm sorry i couldn't make it this time. Maybe we could go together during a Senate recess?” 

Han’s mind raced with possibilities to be explored in the future that seemed more fleshed out by the second. 

********

He stops her before she goes to disembark; she's staying in her quarters in the Senatorial complex for a few days to write her speech and meet with other party leaders. He'll be moved out by the time its over.

He pulls his lucky dice off the consul and hands them to her, asking for one more reassurance. She takes them and slips the chain onto the delicate but intricately woven chain she wears. She wore his dice every day in the months after she moved to Hosnia with Month Mothma and a handful of the Allaince leadership and he and Luke stayed on the front. 

She kisses his cheek, like she did after their first kiss, to let him know they will pick this up again. She kisses his lips, to let him know it won't be too long. “I love you.” 

He manages half a smirk, “I know.” When she comes to him again he'll give her love back, so he can find it again.


End file.
